THIS IS A CONVICT YOU’LL WANT TO FORGIVE, AND EMBRACE
I don’t mean to sound self-absorbed and overly theatrical if I mustn’t, but officers, I have a stalker.
Please, listen to me before you dismiss my report after I tell you that, yes, it’s a cucumber salad. Harmless and gentle it may sound, but believe me when I say that this fella, is spicy… hard-core, and possibly painful. And it has been disturbingly obsessed with me since… oh~ officers, at least a couple months! I can’t provide the exact records of its past appearances because, you know, that’s the creepy thing about stalker-recipes. Their shadowless movement between the blink of an eye, tailed with the constant awareness that it’s always there… I know I saw it smiling at me between the flips of webpages somewhere during my cyber-surfing, multiple times, or was that through my swiping finger over the stacks of e-magazines? And I could swear, officers, that it winked at me from the dinner-menu of at least two, or several restaurants that I’ve been to lately, plain-naked and sending me its very explicit intention.
It wants me, to eat it. Oh my, you see? I have to put it to rest.