You people… yes YOU, who can’t stop yapping about how the “grilling season” has begun. Wooh omg~ let’s break out your Cadillac stainless steel monster-grill and park it so handsomely on your beautiful Martha Stewed deck, under that family peach tree looking out into your Ina-garden and get everybody all Bobby Flayed-up on your marbled rib-eye. Whatever, yah-dah yah-dah ya-dah… Yeah, you people. Please. Just. Zip it. SHUSH!

Yeah? You think it’s polite to talk about cinnamon rolls in front of diabetes? Or talking about silicone dildos and how your experience with them was so wonderful that you’re beginning to incorporate them into your sex life, in front of all teenagers who obviously can’t have sex? Well, they might not have sex with other people, but there is always a possibility of them reading these online sex toy reviews to see how they can find other ways to pleasure themselves. Anyway, it’s braggery and quite frankly inhumane, it would be like me telling my best friend that is currently very sexually frustrated after her divorce that I’m off to go and Find a fuck buddy just for the night. There’s no need, also, can anyone tell that I’ve been feeling somewhat sexually provocative recently?! Enough of that though, onto foods and our tastebuds! For people like me who spent their entire life in city-dwellings, the sort of fantastical, green grass-colored, charcoal-dusted scene that you are painting only exists either in magazine-isles, or the life of every jerks who occupies the terrace-equipped penthouse of my building, whose life I fantasize about rescuing in a horrific car accident and thus gratefully leaving that penthouse to me in his will (…a script filled with prejudice then shock, love and understanding followed by my happy ending)… I’m allowed to fantasize. Oh pffff, save it. Save your pity and don’t tell me how I can “grill at home” because I wouldn’t expect you to understand what happens when we try to “deeply caramelize” a piece of steak in the kitchen.

A tearful group-hug with the local firemen is what happens (awww… you guys don’t have a terrace either?). Why because in order to achieve that grade of deeply-browned and caramelly-toasty steak surface, us city-dwellers crank up a piece of heavy-duty cast-iron on the most ferocious level of heat-source we can conjure (the light dwindling ground shaking and all…), only to realize that our flaccid amateur ventilation-hoods comes with the SHARPEST professional smoke detector. We’ve all been there… The alarm squealing, the stove frantically shuts off and we stand there helplessly to witness the glory of that steak slip and slip away in this urban indoor mockery. I trade in a H&M dress for that steak… So I have moved on, evolved. You go hug your grill. Screw grills. When it comes to home-steaking, I CRAAAFT IT. If you are not a food-geek who obsesses, this is where you leave.

That’s right. It’s an art, a relatively SMOKELESS art, a steak that cooks to an EVEN PINKY-NESS inside-out with beautifully caramelized outer layer. Non of that ultra-well-done sandwiching a bit of completely-bloody-rare in the center. You see, a steak with a thin-deep-browned crust and medium-rare flesh can be pulled off in a restaurant or on a charcoal grill because they are the wielder of INTENSE HEAT. The surface is quickly crusted before the flesh has time to be overcooked, and they can manage the BLINDING resulting-smoke. Unless you have a Gordon-Ramsay-kitchen, otherwise you can pull off the same with a (dah dah dah~) BLOWTORCH! Yes! You can cook a steak without even TOUCHING the stove. Instead, the steak is seared (by the torch) then cooked inside a low-temp oven to achieve an almost sous-vide effect. Then the blowtorch delivers a highly-controlled and focused caramelization afterwards with only a relatively small amount of smoke that’s manageable even for my weak vent. Really, just a faint WHIFF that gets immediately sucked away. Yes. It takes LONGER. What did I say? It’s a CRAAAFT. You are willing to spend hours on a $5-ingredients cake and NOT a lil’time to perfect a $30-steak? A cow died for this. Pay some respect. It deserves nothing less than to be meticulously attended then later sings in your mouth (btw did I mention you rub butter on it for the browning part?) in your smokeless/siren-less/firemen-less home. I’d say it’s a great bargain. Screw grills, again.

* To get the most out of the steaks I buy that aren’t pre-aged, I wrap the steaks in clean towels then leave it in the coldest corner in the fridge (usually the inside-corners on the lowest level) for a few days (approx 6 days). Just make sure that the fridge isn’t TOO COLD that things in the back have a tendency to frost, and flip the steak twice during this process. The towel absorbs the excess blood/moisture out of the steak but prevents drying out. The steak will darden in color considerably and firm up in texture. Of course it won’t be as tender and flavorful as commercially dry-aged steak (usually aged for several weeks), but the extraction of excess moisture from the meat results in a more concentrated beef-flavor.

** A powerful blowtorch isn’t just important for creme brulee, or caramel pork belly. It has so many other useful kitchen-applications that I consider it an essential at Lady and Pups. Forget the baby ones that’re only useful for lighting up a cigarette… Buy a gas torch that’s meant to attach to a butane gas canister, which is powerful but inexpensive.

*** The trick to using a blowtorch is understanding the distance to hold it to the subject being torched. To evenly brown, you want to hold it further away applying a less concentrated heat. To have bits and pieces of burnt spots or dark browning, you want to hold it closer.

Ingredients:

• 1 piece of New York strip-steak or ribeye steak, AT LEAST 2″ in thickness
• 3 cloves of garlic
• 1 tbsp of rosemary leaves
• 2 sprigs of thyme
• 3 tbsp of extra virgin olive oil
• Coarse sea salt and freshly ground black pepper to season
• 2 tbsp of unsalted butter for brushing, room temerature
• Red wine sauce:
  • 2 shallots, finely minced
  • 2 cloves of garlic, finely minced
  • 2 sprigs of thym leaves
  • 1 tbsp of butter
  • 1/2 tsp of salt
  • 1/2 tsp of freshly ground black pepper
  • 2/3 cup of red wine
  • 1/3 cup of beef/chicken stock
  • 1/4 cup of balsamic vinegar
  • 2 tbsp of Dijon mustard
  • 1 tbsp of unsalted butter for melting
• Stilton blue cheese to top the steak (optional)

Equipments:

• 1 powerful blowtorch (gas torch + butane gas canister)
• 1 oven-proof meat thermometer, for example

Leave the steaks out in room temperature for at least 2 hours before cooking.

To cook the steak: Preheat the oven on 300ºF/150ºC. Mash garlic, rosemary leaves, thyme and extra virgin olive oil together to make a herb-oil. Brush the oil on all sides of the steak, then rub coarse sea salt and freshly ground black pepper thoroughly on every inch of the steak, including the sides. Set the steak on top of a rack with a baking sheet at the bottom, and set it on top of the stove under the hoods/vent. Turn the vent on high, then start torching the steak with the blowtorch until you NO LONGER SEE ANY PINK on the steak on ALL SIDES. This step here is NOT TO brown or caramelize the steak but to sear it for the baking.

Inser an oven-proof thermometer into the CENTER of the steak. Scatter the mashed herbs over the steak and place it on the middle rack of the oven (also a serving plate on the lower rack to warm up). Bake the steak for the first 15-min THEN TURN OFF THE OVEN completely. Leave the steak in the oven until the internal temperature reads:

120~125ºF/45~50ºC for RARE. 130~135ºF/53~57ºC for MEDIUM-RARE. 140~145ºF/59~63ºC for MEDIUM.

Any longer you don’t deserve a steak… This will take anywhere from 25~35 minutes depending the thickness of the steak. I have a 2″ thick rib-eye cooked for medium-rare, which takes approx 30 min. Take the steak out of the oven once it reaches the desired temperature, and let it rest in room temperature for 7~8 minutes. DO NOT REMOVE THE THERMOMETER until the steak is FULLY RESTED. You may risk loosing all the juice through the hole. The steps so far were meant to cook the steak for an EVENLY PINKY done-ness throughout. The browning and caramelization comes next.

To brown and caramelize the steak: Once the steak’s rested, remove the thermometer and all the mashed herbs on top. Move the baking sheet again under the hoods/vent and turn it up on high. Brush the unsalted butter over the steak and start browning the butter/steak with the blowtorch. We are aiming for a DEEP BROWN/crusty caramelization on all sides here so don’t be afraid to go at it. But again, don’t hold the torch TOO CLOSE or you are going to end up with burnt spots. This will take a few minutes. The wonderful part about this method is that the heat of the torch isn’t going to “cook” the internal flesh, therefore you can serve the steak HOT and SIZZLED.

Serve the steak on the warm serving plate and pour some of the melted butter from the baking sheet on top (do it). I like mine with a piece of Stilton blue cheese or red wine sauce.

Red wine sauce: You can make this before hand, or during the time the steak is in the oven. Saute shallots, garlic and thyme with salt and black pepper in 1 tbsp of butter in a sauce pot until slightly browned. Add the red wine, stock and balsamic vinegar and cook on medium heat, until the liquid has reduced by 1/2. Then turn off the heat and whisk the Dijon mustard and unsalted butter into the sauce until melted. Strain the sauce through a fine sieve. Set aside until needed.